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Thread: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

  1. #401

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    Two foreign immigrants have arrived in Canada by ship and one says to the other,"I hear people here actually eat dogs."

    "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in Canada, we might as well do as the Canadians do."

    Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

    The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  2. #402

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.
    One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
    Dear God,
    I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
    Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
    Sincerely, Edna
    The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.
    By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
    Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
    Dear God,
    How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
    P.S. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bas**s at the post office.
    Sincerely, Edna.
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  3. #403

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    Bill Gates dies and goes to heaven where Saint Peter gives him a nice, modern six-bedroom house with a pretty garden and a tennis court. Pleased with his lot, Bill quickly settles into the afterlife.
    One day he is out walking when he bumps into a man wearing a fine tailored suit.
    "That's really nice," says Bill. "Where did you get it?"
    "Actually," says the man, "I was given 50 of these, plus two mansions, a yacht, a golf course and four Rolls-Royces."
    "Wow, were you a pope or a doctor healing the terminally ill?" asks Bill.
    "No, I was the captain of the Titanic."
    Bill storms off to see Saint Peter. "How come the captain of a sunken ship gets all that while I, the inventor of the Windows Operating System gets a crummy little house?" he asks.
    Saint Peter replies, "Well Bill, The Titanic only crashed once."
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  4. #404

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    I couldn't decide what to wear for the royal wedding ... settled on ear plugs and a blindfold.
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  5. #405

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    Thing that tell the truth ...

    1. Young children
    2. Old drunks
    3. Yoga pants
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  6. #406

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    A cop on a horse asks a little girl on a bike, "Did Santa bring you that?"

    "Yes." replied the little girl.

    "Tell him to put a reflector light on it next year." and fines her $5.

    The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?"

    The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!"

    "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it."
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  7. #407

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    A truck driver was on his route and needed to take a dump, he stopped at a bar, found there was a queue in front of toilets. He waited for few minutes, but it was getting difficult for him to hold on to. So he moved from there searching a for a place and went upstairs, found an empty room, there was this hole in middle of the room, took the biggest dump of his life, and came downstairs. He found the bar empty with few people left in the bar ducking under the tables, he didn't understand what was going and inquired the bartender, all that bartender said was:

    "Where were you when the sh** hit the fan?"
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  8. #408

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
    The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
    The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
    The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
    The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
    The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
    Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
    "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

  9. Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    Quote Originally Posted by Maxx View Post
    Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day. They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.
    The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”
    The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven. Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”
    The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.
    The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.
    The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”
    Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about? I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down. She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven! Would you explain that to me?”
    "Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."
    I'm an idealist. I don't know where I'm going, but I'm on my way.

  10. #410

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    Default Re: A Couple of Lighter Moments:

    Cheers
    Maxx

    One of the good things about living in a small community is when I don't know what I'm doing, someone else does.

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